Senators Gillibrand And Murphy Believe Suppressors Silence Gunshots (Also, Flying Monkeys)

by
posted on March 31, 2017
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Two U.S. senators are busy making the rounds of “mainstream” news, making noise about how quiet firearm suppressors are. These opponents of suppressors—let’s call them “op-pressors,” for short—want you to believe a small metal cylinder can completely silence a muzzle blast. 

U.S. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, D-N.Y.: “When someone gets shot by a gun with a silencer, it’s quiet. Witnesses might not hear. Police will be less likely to track down the shooter.”

U.S. Senator Chris Murphy, D-Conn.: “Silencers are used to commit crimes. They are used to conceal the fact that you are firing a weapon.” 

Of course, there is a mountain of evidence that contradicts the senators. A quick internet search reveals dozens of charts ranking suppressor decibel levels, and YouTube hosts many informative videos on the subject. Exactly none of them demonstrate that suppressors silence gunfire; on the contrary, the consensus seems to be that suppressed gunfire decibel levels hover somewhere between that of a jackhammer and the front row of a Bon Jovi concert. 

(The Washington Post gave Sen. Gillibrand 3 Pinocchios for her claims about suppressors, and while we’re at it, suppressor use in crime is exceedingly rare, Sen. Murphy). 

So where are these two Senate op-pressors getting their facts? If not from the world of science, then whence? Neither claim to have fired a suppressed gun, so experience is out—and I seriously doubt either has been to a gun range lately.In every film with a spy, assassin, secret agent, special operator or malicious cyborg, suppressed gunfire is quieter than popping bubble wrap.

You can look high and low, but there is only one place where suppressors are so quiet that they’re called “silencers”—the movies. 

The James Bond franchise is only the most obvious example. In every film with a spy, assassin, secret agent, special operator or malicious cyborg, suppressed gunfire is quieter than popping bubble wrap. Only in the movies—“From Russia With Love,” “3 Days of the Condor,” “In The Line Of Fire,” “The Sting,” “The Godfather,” “Terminator 2,” “Shooter,” “No Country For Old Men,” “John Wick,” “The Accountant”—are suppressors quieter than kitten farts. 

There’s just one problem: Movies are fake. If Gillibrand and Murphy think suppressors silence gunfire, they must also believe in other things that work in movies, but work differently or not at all in real life—such as: 

  • Magic
  • Superpowers
  • Shooting a car will make it burst into flames
  • Batman (all)
  • Downloading Kung Fu directly into your brain
  • Telekinesis
  • Giant apes
  • Making dinosaurs in a lab
  • Fast and Furious (all)
  • Dodging bullets
  • Zombies
  • Nuclear DeLoreans
  • Talking animals
  • Toys and museum exhibits that come to life
  • Robots (incl. cars that turn into robots)
  • Aliens
  • Flying monkeys


Of course, the thought that two people who believe movies are real could get elected to the U.S. Senate is preposterous. Surely, there must be another explanation for spreading these falsehoods … 

… Like, they hate guns so much, they’ll say anything to silence anyone who stands in the way of their crusade to eliminate them. 

Clay Turner is the creative director for America’s 1st Freedom magazine, an official journal of the NRA, as well as the daily news website, Americas1stFreedom.org. He shoots just enough to maintain an A rating with the United States Practical Shooting Association (USPSA).

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